Underthinking Beard Trimming

So for christmas, I asked Santa for a beard trimmer, I presumed he would be the man to ask, seeing as he has had a well maintained beard for hundreds of years, I am sure he knows which products to us.

Although it appears he just gets Mrs Claus to do it.

Unfortunately for me apparently for years Santa has been subcontracting my gift giving out to my mother, and bless her, she is ill-informed in beard trimming devices.

Although apparently she isn't the only woman confused by facial hair maintence

So on Christmas morning I opened a trimmer, but a male body grooming trimmer, upon inspection of the back of the box this device was used to trim every hair on your body except your head. The box indicated were to shave using pictures

"WHERE WAS THE HAIR? WHERE WAS THE HAIR? OH GAWD"

I figured though how different were these hairs maybe this would suffice so I jumped on the web looking for a review that mentioned using this device as a beard trimmer. The first review site that popped up was www.frenchtruckers.com

A French trucker at the local truckstop

Apparently they know a thing or two about shaving and grooming, obviously different from the truckers we have in this country

"What do you mean, how do I groom my beard? What does groom mean?"

There review confirmed what I had thought the body groomer lacked the number of settings required for a beard, it only had 3, which is not enough to maintain various beards. So it was decided to try and exchange the body groomer for the bread trimmer.
This was a success and what we returned with was the Vidal Sassoon i-trim

It looks like an oldtimey microphone

This device is the pinnacle in beard trimming devices, finely balanced, with a light weight to allow expert grooming. Remember how many settings I said the body groomer had? 3, do you have any idea how many settings the i-trim has?

Um ........9?

 That's what I would have guessed too, 9 is a lot of settings. But no the i-trim has a whopping 74 height settings!!!!

74 settings! Who needs 74 settings, you could have a different length beard every day for 2 months. This is ridiculous and seems kind of superflous. The settings range from 0.4 mm to 15 mm in 0.2 mm increments. This is the thing that shaving companies seem to do though, just add a few more blades, or 63 more settings and you have improved the product.
I do sometimes wonder if the men in the R & D departments just stuff around most of the year, and when their supervisor shows up they just offer to add more settings so he thinks they are doing there job

For most of the year the Vidal Sassoon Scientists used their lab to hustle money out of local school children

Who needs there facial hair that accurately manicured anyway? I mean I complained about the bodygroomer but 3 is adequate, short, medium, long. 9 would have been ample with a few more settings between each of the main lengths to allow a little styling. But 74? That is actually enough to start drawing pictures into your face using grayscale.

I wonder how much time it would take to save this into my face

Is the market demanding this improved accuracy in beard maintence, are people crying out about the lack of variability available to them when they are grooming their beards? Perhaps there is and perhaps I am underthinking how much people like to groom their beards.

I wish my 2.6 mm faux-beard was just 0.2 mm shorter