Underthinking DB Export advertisement

Okay so I don't know how many of you have seen the above commercial. Its about the rise of DB export, and how Morton Coutts took on the governments tax on imported beer. Its a nice story about how Morton decided to make good beer because the government at the time had a high tax on imported beers. The implication of this of course, is that had there not been a high tax on imported beers, Morton would keep producing crappy beer.

"They will drink what I tell them to drink!"

Also there was a wide range of local beers availiable in the 1958. Speights (1876),  Steinlager (1957), Tui(1889) not to mention a multitude of local breweries. So I am not sure why the working man was unable drink due to the tax on imported beer, unless of course the Morton had a monopoly on the local bar, not allowing other NZ beers to be sold.

"You landed on Waitemata, you must drink DB"

The other thing that strikes me about the ad, is the fact the working man appears to just put a random collection of coins on the counter, and waits to see if he can get a beer or not. Is he illiterate? Why doesn't he notice the price is higher and not even try and buy the beer until he has the appropriate amount?
Also the day he gets the DB export he goes through the same routine, so has he been turning up everyday, putting that amount on the counter hoping to get a beer?

"I can't *choke* read, teach me please"

Also who put the illiterate guy in charge of all the working men? Notice in the last segment, no one else buys the beer until the illiterate leader has brought and finished his beer. Did they need to make sure he wasn't going to die, instead of leader was he the guinea pig? Why was everyone one so mistrustful about what Morton Coutts was trying to sell them?

"Gentleman, I have put poison in every third keg"

Also the anti-working man, I assume some sort of lawyer, accountant or mass-murderer, seem to have far better hygiene. Notice when the working men are at the bar, there is a dog on the counter? Notice the dog appears to just pee on the anti-working man, so is obviously not toilet-trained. I mean it is nice to have little pets around, and don't get me wrong I don't condone kicking dogs. But seriously I am sure the health inspector would have a field day if he knew a non-toliet trained dog was wandering around your counter.

"Is that dog peeing on the taps?"

Underthinking Drug Trafficking

 So here's an interesting story. Apparently Mexican drug dealers have decided that to get there drugs across the border they will use a catapult. And I don't mean they produce a catapult made out of drugs and then bring it across the border ala Cheech and Chong: Up in smoke.

Entirely made of Marajuana

No these enterprising young men have decided that they will literally catapult the drugs across the border. This seems like a rather archaic way of doing things, surely a cannon, or even a trebuchet would be a more modern way of transporting the drugs? Although I read somewhere that drug dealers used "Drug Mules" to get their drugs across borders ,so they are not exactly up with modern technology.

Pictured: A drug Mule.

Apparently a lot of these mules are caught in airports. Obviously, a mule in an airport is going to be freaking conspicuous

I am pretty sure I could spot a mule here.

But back to the original story so these drug dealers are presumably launching their drugs across the border using a giant catapult. Okay first of all what is the range of a catapult? Surely the distances you could use would be so small the guards on the border are going to notice flying drug packages?

"What the hell are they loading into that catapult?"

Secondly, a drug deal is a transaction, that requires someone with drugs and someone with cash to purchase the drugs. If you are firing the drugs across the border how do you get paid?

"But man, if we throw the drugs across, how do we get the money man?"

You are thinking well that's easy, they just get paid on the internet first, and then fire the drugs across? I don't know about you but drug dealers aren't exactly high up on my people to trust list. Okay then you buy the drugs and they are delivered, once you have received them then you pay. Right? People purchasing drugs are just above drug dealers on my people to trust list.

"We aren't really going to pay for these are we?"
"Nope"

I do like the idea though that America would need a new weapon in their drug enforcement branch to combat these catapulted drugs.

American Anti-Drug Enforcement Team.

If you read the story though, you will notice though they didn't actually find drugs, they just saw some Mexicans with a catapult, maybe they were doing something else?

Pedro couldn't understand why every time his Medieval re-enactment group set up near the American border they got arrested.

Underthinking Tampons

So on Sunday, I put out an SOS since I was struggling to think of topics for me to discuss. Well the underthinking fans responded with a myriad of suggestions, from necromancers to injuries, or cats. And I promise to attempt to write a blog about all requests. But the one that caught my eye was maybe originally a facetious suggestion: Tampons.

Awkward Turtle.

 When I first saw the suggestion I was like no way can I write a blog about that, I mean what do I talk about, I have no idea about tampons, and too be honest I couldn't think of anything I could write with offending everyone on the planet. For starters what pictures would I use?

Correct use of a Tampon.

Obviously that is the wrong tact for multiple reasons, probably the most pertinent I don't know what the correct use is. I guess I could look at the history of tampons, but then I realised similar awkwardness would arise. Just typing the word tampon into google, made me uncomfortable.

"Oh god, what is going to happen, when I press enter?"

But then I realised thats the angle to go with, why do men feel so uncomfortable about them. Notice I didn't use their name there, that is because for most men, tampon is an equivalent word to Voldemort in the Harry Potter universe.

A man picking up "Those-that-must-not-be-named" for his girlfriend

What causes this innate discomfort, I mean they are not exactly the most scary looking things in the world.

It kind of looks like a mouse

It obviously not how they look, and why should it be. For most men all we see is those ridiculous bright coloured boxes they come in, not the tampons themselves. Why are tampons sold in such bright packaging?
I mean I am aware its a natural thing, and that tampons are a necessary part of the process. But surely you would want a nice discrete package so as they to not draw so much attention to them.

I AM HAVING MY PERIOD!

Although maybe this packing is to protect men, if they see a bright colour out of the corner of their eyes, they know that they need to tread carefully around the woman for the next couple of days.
But whilst they may be the victim of a tongue lashing this is not enough to cause the discomfort exhibited by most men, so what is it that is causing it????

I put my crack team of researchers on the case at the underthinking it library.

And then it struck me, that is why men are scared of tampons. It was so obvious, the reason of course is because where there is a tampon a woman with a period cannot be far behind. And as we are all aware a woman with a period attracts bears.

They can smell the menstration

So I have solved the riddle, men feel discomfort around the word tampons, because it reminds them that soon they will be running from a bear.
I also have a favourite man-underthinking-tampon joke, (it is the only one I know) so here it is....

Three convicts were on the way to prison, they were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. 

Probably not what he had in mind

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

"Goddamit, Why am I always the Arsehole!!"

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.

The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled, saying, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What on earth can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating"

"If I go horseback riding, I need these right?"

Underthinking Back to the Future 2

Tonight I watched Back to the Future 2, and I noticed a few things that appear to defy logic. Now I won't discuss the various time travel paradoxes that arise, for example, if Biff goes back in time to give himself the sports almanac then gets the Doc commited sometime prior to 1985, then the time machine won't be invented therefore Biff wouldn't be able to go back in time to give himself the sports almanac. But if you are interested in these things they are summarised nicely here

Anyway how hard could time travel be? Two Slackers from California managed to manipulate it succesfully

No what I am concerned about are more simple and often overlooked inconsistencies in this movie.

1/. Why do they leave Jennifer in the Alley?

When they first arrive in the future Doc, puts Jennifer to sleep because she is asking far too many questions, so this is a valid movie to save the explaining. However when they arrive Marty has to complete his mission of saying no to Griff, and Doc needs to run and errand in the DeLoren, we find out later this is to pick up Einstein his dog. My question is why did they have to remove Jennifer in the first place, her and Marty fitting in the DeLoren easily, why could Doc not leave her in the front seat when he went to pick up his dog?

A safe place to leave a comatose teenage girl.

And let's be honest the act of leaving Jennifer in the alleyway, set the whole movie in motion, if she had been in the car the whole time, then they could have left straight away making it impossible for Biff to disrupt the space-time continuium

"We can't have you sitting beside a woman can we Einstein?"

2/ Hoverboards and water are incompatible?

Now for start, let's presume that the hoverboard is possible (Incidentally here is a commercial about purchasing one). I imagine how it works is some sort of resistance with the ground, a downforce that allows the board to hover. The benefit of  this design of wheels, is the lack of friction meaning you gain a lot more momentum for less energy.
The problem I have is the claim hoverboards don't work on water unless you have power. If you note in the photo below, Marty doesn't sink when he is above the water. He just can't gain forward momentum.

By the way those shoes have Power laces! Awesome

I don't understand this, when Marty is pushing himself along on the road is foot isn't touching the ground, he seems to be just wafting it through the air, to gain the forward momentum.
Given there is enough resistance to keep the board a float above water, why does Marty's pushing no longer work above water?

He is pushing enough to cause a wave? But not to move.

3/ How exactly do the flying cars work?

In 2015, we are all going to have flying cars, sweet! That's only like 4 years away. But how do the flying cars in this movie work?

This is what a flying car looks like

Note in the above picture the car has wings allowing for the appropriate lift required for the car to fly, while this garners us flight, it also means that the lanes for just normal driving would need to be widened 3 fold to accomadate the wingspan. But that is not how the flying cars work in the Back to the Future universe.

Note the lack of wings

So no wings, also note no rotors, so the flight is not achieved through helicopter methods either. Hang on a minute you say, they have hover boards can't they just make the cars hover too?
Well yes, they could make the cars hover a foot off the ground, maybe a couple of meters but the downforce required to get the car 200 metres into the air would be so powerful it would make walking around under flying car a health hazard.

Rush Hour is a killer in 2015

Also they have flying cars, why is the speed limit the same? We notice when Marty and Doc go back in time, they are passing the other flying cars as they reach the required 88 mph. Surely there is room to increase the speed limit in the sky, there would appear to be a lot more freedom to avoid accidents, now you can move in 3 dimensions.

Although this would now make more sense.

4/ How does Biff know how to operate the time machine?

Let's just ignore the fact that Marty decided to just wander off from the time machine, their ONLY means of returning home, with both doors wide open. Forget Biff, Marty was lucky some street hood didn't just drive off in the car.

If the doors look like this, the Delorean is NOT secure.

Biff knew what he was looking at though, so knew it was worth stealing. So he hopes into the car, and takes off back to the past to give himself the sports almanac. Wait what, Biff a 70 year old man at this time, just hops into a time machine and immediately figures out how to travel back in time.

Just your standard time circuit right

I mean admittedly Doc had labelled the circuits using his 1980's label maker, so most lay people should be able to figure out which buttons to press to set the destination time. Note most lay people, not all people. As previously mentioned Biff is a 70 year old man, have you seen old people with technology ? (I have discussed this before here)

"Oh S*** the pictures they are moving"

Also from what I can gather Biff has washed cars his entire life, and doesn't appear to run a business, he just washes the cars, so probably not the most educated of people.

It's not rocket science

So this uneducated 70 year old man just climbed into a time machine,and worked out he needed to set the time circuits to his desired date, he also worked out he needed to get the car to 88 mph to go back in time. Maybe he just got that fast by driving normally you say. Have you see old people drive?

"Hang on to your bonnet Mavis, I am taking this thing to 20 mph"

5/ How did Doc not notice Biff's cane under the pedals?

Okay lastly after Biff returns to the future we see his cane break in the car, and the handle falls under the pedals of the Delorean. That's right the pedals, where you put your feet when you drive the car, not in the boot or under the seat where you keep your used fast food wrappers, and assorted CD's. Under the PEDALS!, so presumably Doc would have stood on it, as soon as he entered the car. Its not like it is inconspicuious its a Golden fist! 

"It took you 8 hours to find this?"

Underthinking getaway vehicle

So today I saw this story . It is about a lady that had a "bomb" thrown at her from a moving van, in Green Island. First of all, for those of you, who don't live in Dunedin, Green Island is a complete misnomer.

A/ Its not Green, by any stretch of the imagination, it is a urban area so is mostly grey. Even using Captain Planet's definition of green : caring about the planet, doesn't work. Green Island is home to the Dunedin tip, sure it houses some recyling but for the most part things there are perishable.

"I am very disappointed in you Green Island"

B/ Its not an Island, its not even on the coast, so I am not sure how the person naming it got confused, I mean its not like they confused a pennisula with an island.

Pictured: Not an Island.

Perhaps the dicoverer of Green Island was trying to trick people into moving there, much like how Erik the Red named Greenland to entice settlers.

Eric the Red Hatted trucker, discoverer of Green Island

But I digress the main part of the story was about a woman having a "bomb" thrown at her by some youths driving a green van.

Prime Suspects.

I read on the suspects vehicle was a green van with a skull sticker, and 46 cm Mag wheels. (Who is reporting Mag wheel size in metric by the way?).  Now I am no expert, but if you want to commit a random act of violence you should probably pick an inconspicous vehicle so that people can't identify you.
Try google search "Green van with a skull sticket and Mag wheels"

This is the Number 1 result, I presume the van is hidden behind that group of youths

There isn't even a picture of a standard green van on the first 6 pages, let a lone a highlighted one, do you know why? Because they are rarer then hen's teeth, which apparently don't exist so that saying is a little bit underthought, how can you have something rarer than something that doesn't exist, it should be as non-existent as hen's teeth. (unless the chicken has been altered by a scientist).

"Stupid scientist, now I have to get annual checkup"

If I was so inclined I would commit random acts of violence out of a red car, go on google image search that. For the first 8 pages there is nothing but pictures of red cars, then inexplicitly a blue boat.

Page 8 on goole image search, is apparently the exact opposite of what you want page.

Underthinking Beep Test

On Saturday I was watching a beep test, this was the first time I had seen one in many a year, in high school we were forced to do them annually in PE.
Now for elite athletes and for certain professions (e.g fireman, police etc.) this test make sense to see how fit the people are so that they can do the tasks that are set for them.

If the criminal decides to run, Frank ain't stopping them

 But for the average high school student the amount of fitness you need to get through school would be more accurately measured by getting the student to walk 30 metres, the average distance from bus to class, then sitting down for 50 minutes, walking 20 metres to next class, sitting down for another 50 minutes, and then repeat 6-7 times. Maybe getting them to raise their hand sporadically, just to simulate question asking. But  High school is not exactly a highly physical time in a persons life.

For some Students that 50 minutes is necessary recovery time.

I am aware there are sports at high school, that students need to be quite fit for but surely thats up to the individual sport to administer to its participants.
For those of you unfamiliar with the beep test, it is a torture of the physical and mental kind. The test is set up with two sets of cones 20 metres apart the idea is to get to the other side and back before the beep. They start out by giving you a false belief with the initial beeps being so far apart, you could stroll the distance.

"This beep test thing is easy."

But slowly but surely they increase the pace of the beeps, so it gets harder and harder to make the distance. This is how the torture works best, you think you are doing fine for a long time due to the gradual increase, but all the sudden you have to be sprinting at full pace just to make the distance.
The other issue I have is with that sadistic monotone voice that announces the increase in level (the next time increment between the beeps), giving no indictation that the level is any harder than the last, he is really far too blase about the whole thing.
It would be far better if as the difficultly increases his enthusium increases to a crescendo

BEGIN  LEVEL 12!

Then when you start reaching unobtainable levels this voice starts to have sheer disbelief you are still alive in it.

Begin level 18??

The key to the physical torture is by the time you reach the levels where you are sprinting, you have already travelled a couple of kilometres, and no matter how slowly you did them this effort takes its toll on the body.

The Beep Test causing grown men to cry since 1988.

This slow but sure persistance torture is reminscent of Chinese water torture. In fact I think perhaps the beep test originated in a POW camp of some description to break the spirits of the captured soliders.

I am pretty sure the Beep test is explicitly mentioned.

 Now at high school we never knew what the top level of the beep test was, because no one ever made it that far. I assume it just keep going forever, until actually making the distance in the required time is physically impossible and even getting close would result in instant death.

Patrick Jones the man who ALMOST beat the beep test.