Underthinking Racist Caddies

Where have I been? I have been trying to liberate the town centre from hippies. Unfortunately I am a pacifist and hippies while unemployed and smelly seem to have a encyclopaedic knowledge of NZ legal system and have managed to find loopholes that let them live rent free in the Octagon.

The current US Supreme court justices circa 1970.

Seriously do they just discuss legislation during their drum circles? But enough about hippies I am trying to wean myself off talking to them, due to their ability to constantly talk in circles, their conversations last forever.

This hippy died when his wife tried to ask him if he wanted coffee, and he just kept responding I am the 99% and corporate greed. Incidentally his wife never did find out if he wanted that coffee.

What has perked my interest today is this story pretty much is what it boils down to his Tiger Woods ex-caddy (read professional bag carrier) Steve Williams ...

I am currently on minimum wage + tips, if this was a set of golf clubs I would be on 10% of millions of dollars.  I made a poor choice.

...said he when awarded the prize for best caddy celebration that ''It was my aim to shove it up that black arsehole.''
Now I know what you are thinking amateur proctology is not the best reason to win an award.

"Seriously I thought you were kidding, I could have lived with an Oscar, but a Golden Globe!"

But apparently people are upset at the racist comment, that I have somehow missed, I know he referred to it as black, but that's not racist. Its not discriminating Tiger woods for the colour of his butt, and remember we are talking about golf, where some people probably would have discriminating Tiger for the colour of his butt in years gone by.

I am looking at you Augusta.

Its not the cleverest or most witty line in history, but bearing in mind what Steve Williams does in his spare time....

A regular culture vulture.

.. it was probably the best he could come up with, and it certainly wasn't racist.

If I told you to go get the white guy for an interview, I am not being racist, I am being informative

*Note I am aware in this picture I could have said guy with lanyard or watch. But lets presume I just knew there were two guys one black, one white who were wearing the same t-shirt, but had no idea about the number of accessories they had.

I fear that we are becoming too sensitive in this day and age, just referencing someone's skin colour isn't racist. If I attribute traits to someone because of their skin colour then I am being racist.

However if I reference someone's skin colour and you call me a racist for doing so, then I can't help but think you have automatically attached negative stereotypes to that skin colour making you the racist one.

Also before I leave I want to tell you about my 6th form English class we were asked to cast "The Crucible" and when it came to the ministers slave from Barbados, we all thought Whoopi Goldberg would be a good choice. We were told that was just stereotyping, by our English teacher, however he didn't bat an eyelid when we were going through old actors to play the elderly minister

Starring Justin Bieber as the 70 year minster, because we don't stereotype in this class.

Underthinking "The Occupation" Tent sale

So for those of you unaware the DCC has recently had quite a lot of large expenditure. From the Stadium with an identity crisis.

"Hi my name is Forsyth Barr, except when a world cup is on, then you can call me Otago"

 To a giant I am not sure what, but I am pretty sure its gross.

"What size batteries does this take?"

To a million traffic lights, seriously was there a sale on these things or something they are everywhere.

Eventually Dunedin ran out of intersections for there many traffic lights.

And people are complaining they are doing nothing but increase rates to pay for these things. Well I think we all owe the DCC an apology, they have rented the upper half of the Octagon to a group of independent tent salesman, to have a massive tent clearance.

Is it a coincidence, they decided to start their sale at the same time as R & R?

Its a shame it was raining today because it certainly seems to have lessened the interest in the tent sale. Because when I walked past their was no one looking at their tents at all.

Interested Buyer.

Although I am reliably informed some Policemen and private security works have shown a lot of interest in the tents, I hope this tire-kicking has turned into sales.

I think that sign in the corner, is veiled threat to R & R

Now from what I can glean there appears to be several tent companies represented down there. They seem to have formed some sort conglomerate called "The Occupation" to sell their tents.

I think its a little harsh to refer to R & R's sale as Corporate greed. But that's the harsh reality of retail.

Then they have a bunch of signs up above indicating the individual tent salesmen there.

I had no idea tent sales was such a thriving industry.

Some of the individual businesses I spied were

STOP ISRAELS' WAR

NORML

VOTE MANA PARTY

INTERNATIONAL SOCIALIST ORGANISATION

There were plenty more I am sorry if I had left you out. I thought some of them had strange names for tent companies but what do I know. I did like the International Socialist Organisation's slogan "Sick of Market and Neo-liberal bullshit", because the tent industry has become full of corporate speak, so I will definitely consider them next time I am buying a tent.

I am sick of your Market and Neo-liberal Bullshit traditional tent salesman.

I think this a great initiative to raise money for the new things the Dunedin, and promote the independent tent sales. I do have some concerns though. Although they are trying to put a new face on tent sales, some of the exhibitors should consider a haircut and some sort of bathing to boost sales.

I am pretty open minded, but I don't know if i would buy a tent of these people.

They are saying in the papers this tent sale could go for weeks, now i am not sure about your experience but if you leave a tent up for too long you can kill the grass, so I hope they will be shifting their tents around.

Underthinking Mexican Waves.

So last night I attended the Ireland - Italy game in the Otago Stadium, which apparently is located somewhere near Dublin.

Seriously it was just a sea of Green, and Irish accents were all around. It was awesome although I did feel for the Italians, but many of them couldn't make the trip since they are currently defending their homeland from unwanted intruders.

"Oh dear God, they breached the perimeter, we need every man at home to get rid of this pest, before they multiple"

But last night's match further embedded my belief that the people that start Mexican waves are idiots and don't understand the rules. Now don't get me wrong I don't hate the Mexican wave, and I believe it has its place, but I don't think just because you are at a stadium a Mexican Wave needs to be held. First of all why is it called a Mexican wave? Do Mexicans stand up one by one and raise both hands when a friend enters a room?

"Hola Miguel"

Incidentally when I searched Mexican waving on google images all I could find was this.

Do Mexicans even wave?

So perhaps it wasn't this, so I decided to do a bit of research, regarding the nomenclature, apparently despite the Wave existing for many years beforehand the 1986 Mexican FIFA world cup, was when the Wave in its current form was seen by the World outside North America.

Although I think Hitler was toying with a one-armed version as early as 1936.

But yeah its a bit of fun at the Stadium, my major gripe is when the people who start invariable have no understanding of why you do a Mexican wave, normally extremely intoxicated, and most of the time overweight to the point they don't make supporters jerseys in their size.

"Yeah, apparently XXXL is the largest size they make. Annoying right!"

So in my opinion the time for a Mexican wave is when there is a lull in the play on the field, for two reasons. One a whole bunch of people standing up in front of you during an important play is annoying, and two if you want to time your wave correctly you need to be watching it come around so you miss the play when the wave gets close to you. Otherwise you end up being like the kid that claps slightly offbeat from everyone else.

"Almost, almost ..."

So you need to pick the starting point carefully, in Rugby when there is an injury break, in Cricket possibly between overs, tennis between sets etc etc.
But the idiots who start them just do it when they want, showing their ignorance of the game. I found this quote in this blog about Mexican Waves.

"It is better to have others think you are an incompetent fan than to do the wave and remove all doubt."

These people will continue to try start waves even when they have already failed 6 times in the last two minutes when the wave hits fans actually watching the game so the wave dies. At which point the knowledgable fan is booed by the wave starts for being dullards.

"Boo, you paid $250 for your seat, and you are actually watching the game not standing up and sitting down in a methodical manner, Boo"

I mean what other event does this happen, I haven't been to too many operas (fullstop), plays, movies or concerts when the crowd breaks into a Mexican wave during the central monologue, or pivotal scene. Its actually disrespectful to the players, you are essentially saying what you are doing right now isn't entertaining me in the slightest.

"Ok sweetie, when the central protagonist goes in for the kiss, I am totally starting a wave"

The other reason Mexican waves are annoying is that, people normally decide this is the perfect opportunity to get rid of their empty food and drink receptacles by throwing them in the air, which causes a post-wave hazard, as you need to dodge the falling debris.

"Unfortunately Mam, there was Mexican Wave, during a Bricklayers Rally"

Its actually dangerous, and sometimes unhygienic when the empty receptacles have been used in lieu of getting to the loo.

"Wait a minute, they don't sell Mountain Dew here"

So folks, just to summarize if you want to start a successful Mexican Wave, wait for a lull in the game, don't throw projectiles. My final word on this is a Mexican wave is an option, not an obligation.

Underthinking Daylight Savings

So today is only 23 hours long, since in the spirit of spring cleaning we decided to do a tidy up and we decided 2am - 3am was just unnecessary clutter which we weren't really using anymore so we decided to get rid of them.

"Yeah, it's just some old clothes and the hours between 2-3am who needs those"

We do this every year, and then around autumn we realise we have made a mistake and we pull that hour out and have it twice in a row. So why do we do this? Where did this daylight saving idea come from? New Zealand's own George Vernon Hudson actually.


George Vernon Hudson - Father of Daylight saving, and by the looks of it a handy paper plane designer.

As well as designing paper planes, George was a keen entomologist in his spare time. An entomologist is a bug collector the problem George noticed was that after work there wasn't a lot of daylight for him to find bugs. There was plenty of daylight before work but who wants to go searching for bugs around breakfast.


"WTF! I was sleeping, I like eating bugs as much as the next person, but its 7am!"

So George figured we could just shift the hours of the day, so that those wasted daylight hours were in the evening instead of the morning. George originally proposed a 2 hour shift, I presume since you need a lot of time to find bugs.

It looks like a stick, you aren't going to find that in 5 mins.

At the same time independantly in England William Willett was getting sick of playing golf in the dusk so came up with the same conclusion as George.

William Willett - Nonchalant

So it was decided that to increase everyone's leisure time, and save on coal to adopt daylight savings. And everyone was happy and there were no problems. Actually there were problems, for one farmers weren't too impressed.

"Milking the cows in the morning light, do do do di di"



"What the hell?"

Yeah, by shifting the daylight to after work, it means the farmer is now milking the cows in the pitch black, other people were having issues with it too. Theatre owners struggle since its lighter later people are more likely to do outdoor activities than go to the theatre.

"Where are all my theatre patrons?"

"Guys want to go to theatre?"
"Nah screw that, BEACHBALL"

So not everyone is happy with this, which has lead to some problems, since not everyone has adapted the policy. This doesn't really affect us in NZ since we aren't in the same time zone as anyone. But in Australia for example NSW observes daylight saving and Queensland does not. Which must cause havoc in towns on the border. People from the New South Wales side must think the Queenslanders are lazy since they are always an hour late to meetings and the such. No wonder Queenslanders keep pummeling NSW, the NSWers are probably ready for bed, by the time the game starts.


"Has anyone seen the Queenslanders? They said be here at 8, I am sleepy"

So who is right? Well it really depends on if your a morning person or an evening person, a man of work or a man of leisure. There have been numerous studies from both sides of the arguments citing energy use, both increases and decreases. There are health risks associated with it, in fact the government of Kazakhstan abolished DST due to increased heart attacks.

"No more daylight savings. It is good Yes? Jenqui."

Daylight savings transitions also allow the battery cartels to sell us more batteries by reminding us that it might be time for new batteries in our smoke alarms, and since we don't want to be woken in the middle of the night with a flat battery, we change the battery irregardless of age because we can't remember if we did it last time or not.

"Did I change those batteries last time?"

"More Money, More Money, More Money"

Underthinking Rugby Jersey Manufacturing

So I attended the Argentina vs England RWC match at the Forsyth Barr Stadium in Dunedin. Just for clarity it has been renamed Otago Stadium for the duration of the World Cup, because apparently the fact that this company helped fund its construction does not mean anything. Also its fun to confuse foreigners.

"So there's a Stadium there, but it says Otago Stadium on it, and this map says Forsyth Barr Stadium"

Seriously I understand that the IRB signs deals with sponsors for a lot of money, but they seemed to have sold things that don't belong to them. My body for a start, I am not allowed to wear clothing to a game that predominately displays a rival sponsors logo on it.

Which means no NASCAR driver can attend any match.

But I have digressed my concern was with the English rugby teams jerseys. I don't really care that they are black, although the argument that white and blue striped tops would clash with white jerseys is tenuous at best.

"Wait, oh crap I thought you were on my team, due to the white. Due to the speed I have chosen to ignore the difference between red and blue."

I am more concerned with the fact the English numbers wouldn't stay on, at one point Johnny Wilkinson was playing in number 1U, which I thought was quite innovative for a normally traditional RFU.

"GO AWAY, your numbers are a disgrace"

 This coupled with Sonny Bills ripped shirt (I will not be posting pictures of this) and brought back memories of the first time Adidas manufactured the All Black jersey's and they just fell off. I guess they were trying to use revolutionary fabrics.

This scientist wished to remain anonymous after a failed experiment with tissue paper as Rugby jersey's.

I guess what I want to know is how do these major manufacturers test their jerseys? Perhaps after years of manufacturing soccer jerseys, they are not aware of the rigours a Rugby jersey faces.

"Well it looks pretty strong, lets go with it"

I mean the SBW jersey was a one off, and can be explained away as a defect, but the English numbers and the 1999 AB's Jerseys the whole team had issues.
So that would suggest a lack of testing.

Perhaps Nike and Adidas should outsource to these guys.

Underthinking Fat kids.

So today some poor guy named Paul Kramer is taking a lot of flack for writing a book "Maggie goes on a diet".

His brother Cosmo got nothing but adulation for his coffee table book about coffee tables.

The fuss seems to be that advocating a young child (particularly a young girl) goes on a diet is a dangerous idea. To some extent I agree, a young person should not go a crash diet, but going on a diet doesn't necessarily mean restricting intake of carbs, protein or food altogether.

The no-food diet is not recommended.

If I change my diet, that might be as simple as only eating McDonalds 7 times a week, instead of the typical 21 times. I think people are skipping the real issue is Paul Kramer really the best person to be offering advice on weight loss?

Those 6 chins indicate the answer is NO.

Its like when I go to my local gym and see the Zumba instructors, a lot of them appear to be the fattest person in the room.

Wait what?!

You teach this weight loss exercise? I don't think works.

The other issue people have with this book, is that it apparently it glorifies people making fun of fat people. Here's my point of view there are multiple major contributors to societies health problems, smoking, drinking and fatties. See if you can pick the odd one out.

Smoking: Vilified, I can tell you you should stop

Drinking is halfway, because to some extent the damage drinking does to the body is under acknowledged, but drink-driving is not.

Drink Driving: Vilified, I can tell you to stop drinking.

But fatties, we are told are happy in their body, and we have no right to tell them to lose weight because they are comfortable. I am not saying everyone should have a rippling 6-pack, just I should be allowed to tell the guy who can't fit in an airplane seat to buy a second one, instead of increasing the size of seats to cater to him.

"Wait I can't have an extra 2 kilo in my bag, but you can have an extra 50 kilo in your ass?"

And I know some fat people have serious disorders that make them that way. But for the vast majority of them, it is as simple as going for a walk, or a run, or for some standing up every so often.

"That chair is like 3ft away, quite a work out"

And reducing their energy intake, so think about a piece of fruit instead of biscuit, or maybe a cupcake instead of cake for those at the extreme end of the scale.

When your definition of a little sweet is a cake, you know you have problems.

I mean if you want to lose weight eat less food then you require for your energy output, and if you want to maintain eat the same amount. It's not rocket science.

I just ran this simulation and if Energy in < Energy out I lose weight, I am glad I spent 3 years studying this.